Absent Friends...

So I've been radio silent, it has been Christmas so I guess I can use that as a little excuse, but my apologies.  I hope you all had a lovely time celebrating with friends and family, drinking too much and eating too much (all diet bets are off currently!)

Christmas in our family was a lovely few days, a pub and curry night Christmas eve, Christmas day we were all at my mums and my lovely friend Rachel joined us too. It should have seemed very empty with a missing person like a hole in the wall and to be honest I was really dreading it, but it was actually ok.  Although we all missed Nan, I did actually feel like Nan was there, just in the other room, so maybe she did come and visit us and to see what presents we had got, who knows.  I even managed to start reading again.  I haven’t read since just before Nan died, I don’t know if it is because my imagination is zapped or the thought of being on my own in my head is unbearable, but I have just not been able to concentrate enough to read a book.  I have started with a book I have read a millions times and intend to re-read the whole series (Jilly Cooper – The Rutshire Chronicles, starting with Riders, soooooo much better than that 50 shades sh*t!) and it’s actually ok, I am managing.

So… As we are fast approaching new year, I guess we ought to think about what this year has bought us and what we may have in store for 2013.

2012 has been pretty rubbish to be totally honest, I've lost my dog, my Nan and my Aunty; but it has also seen the marriage of my sister and her partner, the birth of my niece and of my cousin’s little boy, so it hasn’t been all bad.  I am also sure there are people out there who worse has happened to.  I am very thankful for all the good things and all the things that haven’t gone wrong, but I still can’t help but look back on the last year as a massive trial; well, it certainly hasn’t been easy anyway. But we have survived, all of us (even after the end of the World on 21/12).

New years eve is booked at mum and dads as it is every year, no party as such; they just operate a ‘we’re not having a party, but you’re more than welcome to pop in - we’ll be drinking’ policy.

So 2013, what have you got for us? I have booked a holiday, a festival, a massive place in fat club and an alcohol free January, but what else?  Anyone got any good plans???  I don’t have any new years resolutions as such, just aims; but one thing for sure is I will be raising a drink to absent friends.  To those we lost in 2012 and before, to those we miss dearly and would love to see again…. We love you and Cheers xx

Tradition vs Superstition…

I come from a large family with multiple beliefs and traditions from different cultures and backgrounds and Christmas pudding started all this thinking off!

I am busy preparing to make pudds on stir up Sunday (this Sunday, four weeks before Christmas), soaking the fruit in alcohol this week to (hopefully) get the best taste.  Traditionally everyone in the household or at least every child, gives the mixture a stir and makes a wish while doing so.  It is also common practise to include small silver coins in the pudding mixture. These are then kept by the person whose serving of pudd included them.  The usual choice was traditionally a silver threepence or a sixpence and the coin was believed to bring wealth in the coming year.

I am pretty sure I can get everyone to give it a stir and to make a wish but my dilemma is that I am pretty sure no one ever steams a Christmas pudd to warm it up these days, I know in mums house we portion it up and zap it in the microwave! Am I safe to not put coins in the pudding? Will it be bad luck? Or is it just a tradition that is followed loosely?  Or do I put coins in and risk everyone blowing up their microwaves? It’s such hard work. Any advice would be most appreciated!

So as you can tell, Christmas preparation is finally under way in the Barcroft household and I'm sure Christmas puddings aren’t the only things that are steeped in tradition surely? As a family, we don’t open any Christmas presents until after Christmas dinner, some people think that is ludicrous but its kind of a family tradition and I wouldn’t do it any other way. 
New Year brings with it more complications of a first footing which I'm sure is a tradition that people regard with superstition and end up too worried not to do it! 

In Scottish and Northern English folklore, the first foot is the first person to cross the threshold of the home on new years day. The first footer is traditionally a tall dark haired male that will usually carry a gift, this can include a coin, bread, salt, coal or whiskey – these represent financial prosperity, food, flavour, warmth and good cheer.  In our house we do try and do the first footing, so very soon after midnight we go out side and bash pots and pans and wish all the neighbours and each other happy new year (another old family tradition!) and the first person to go back in has to be male, tall and dark and he takes in a piece of coal and puts it on the fire place, thus ensuing warmth in the home all year round.

I know everyone is bored with Christmas already and saying it is too early, but all I am doing is thinking (and steaming) honestly! And it has made me think about the things we do in our family, compared to things other people do. When we grow up and get married, do we keep our families traditions, do we merge them with our partners or do we create out own?

I'll keep pondering and keep the Christmas talk to a minimum I promise!

TTFN Sammy xx

Too much information (probably!)....

Well the last few weeks haven’t been too bad diet wise but I did put on 2lb last week.  I think I had a bit of an excuse, mum had her gall bladder out, my sister gave birth and I've been a tad on the busy side visiting them both and helping out where I can. But I got back on track, stayed a little focussed, even with our wedding anniversary and lost 3lb!  So I lost the 2lb I put on and an extra one to boot!  So down to ‘unmentionable stone’ 2 now, yippee! I will feel better when I'm under ‘unmentionable stone’ as I've never been this heavy before, so fingers crossed I can do it this week.  This week I have resolved to count everything that passes my lips and it’s now Friday and I've done it so far.  2 days down, 5 to go!

I'm struggling a little this week with life, so I'm hoping by being in control of my diet and my counting that this will give me something to focus on and see my through my blip in coping.  Unfortunately, or maybe in the weight loss world not, I am also really struggling with my IBS :0(

I developed chronic IBS in 2007, although I wasn’t aware that it was that back then and I spent a year undergoing all sorts of unpleasant tests to find out what it was.  My granddad died in December 2007 and on New Years Eve it started with a vengeance and sadly never went away.  I think I have possibly suffered a touch of it all through growing up, for example being nervous or anything like that make me feel very nauseous and will upset my tummy immensely, or hormonal times will also upset my digestion, but nothing like it was when it started in earnest. Apparently trauma can bring it on or make it flare up, and losing my granddad was certainly traumatic for me.  I am, or sadly now was, very close to my grandparents, I lived when them when I first left home and was first married and didn’t go a single day without seeing them for many many years. I guess I am lucky to pin point what triggered off my IBS but unfortunately it wasn’t something that I could just avoid, death is very sadly a part of adult life.

I have managed quite well over the last few years, had all sorts of allergy and food testing done to see what I can avoid to help my fateful tum, kept endless food diaries and taken pills till I've rattled, but for the most of the time I am well under control.  I do take continuous medication and have luckily only suffered a few set backs that have left me unable to leave the house, but I am suffering a bit of a relapse at the moment. Understandably after this year being so horrific, although I am learning to cope with a new form of ‘normal’ I'm not sure my brain has told my tummy yet!

Stress is also another big factor in my suffering, and includes stress over stupid things like having to drive to another office to work, there might not be parking, I might get lost etc etc, leaves me having a massive debate with myself over where is the best place to vomit… In my handbag or in the passenger footwell! Now being sick is my most unfavourite thing in the World, so feeling sick sends me into blind panic and then of course the stress is worse and makes me feel even worse.  I have since discovered being in other peoples cars exacerbates the problem and will leave me petrified and in tears for most of the morning and wondering as to whether to get in someone elses car and risk the vomiting and embarrassing myself, or just try and hold my breath for the whole journey and yell stop! every few miles.  Life sometimes isn’t fun being little old me :0(

Lots of people don’t understand illnesses you can’t see, employers can be a bit like this too and that is a bit frustrating. No, I'm not ill as in coughing and spluttering everywhere, but the pain I deal with and the unpleasant effects IBS entails is not fun at all. Some people suffer as well and understand only too well, others look at me and assume I am really pathetic or just being awkward to be saying, ‘No I’d really like to sit at my desk and do my work rather than being carted off round the countryside and leaving me in such a state that I will vomit in someones footwell!  Or don’t understand when I am so poorly I just need to stay in bed, drink only water and hope for the best.

I try not to moan too much about my IBS and when it is under control I can forget I have it. So lets be positive, lets hope I keep taking the tablets and keep rattling and hope against hope that it will lead to me losing weight if nothing else!

TTFN xx

A few things to be grateful for....

It is very important to stop for a while and take a look at what is around us. We are always ready to moan about things we are not happy with, but do we very often look at what we are grateful for?  I do pride myself on trying to be as positive as I possibly and when I am not being positive it's amazing what t can do to your mental health! And to say I've not been very positive of late is the understatement of the century.

I have been working in the same place for nearly two years, (although I'm now on my third department!) I love the people I work with, it is one of the best teams, always there to help each other, sociable, happy and very vocal and the company certainly isn't too bad to work for, yet I'm finding myself more and more unhappy.  The work isn't particularly hard, but we all tend to feel more and more like we are paid to be shouted at by customers and staff alike, picked up on every single thing we say or do and need to retain more information to carry out our roles than most cardiac surgeons do. We have to think on our feet, placate everyone and are given almost nothing to aide us.  Life is just impossible.  I'm sure it isn't really like this, but just how I have blown it out of all sorts of proportion in my mind.

I guess it started half way through this year when my family was hit with tragedy, death and destruction, I guess it started me thinking again about how short life actually is and how we should try and enjoy as much as possible and not waste time unnecessary.  Becoming increasingly unhappy at work is probably linked more to my grief process that I'm still trawling through rather than anything else, but none the less its been a major part of my life for a few months this unhappiness.  I am sick of the sound of my own voice, I dread to think how my neighbouring desk feels (sorry Loz) and I am sure I am making everyone around me negative too. I have turned into a right moaning Minnie!

I have been lucky enough to have the opportunity to go and work in another department for 6 months and I think this is definitely what I need, after all a change is as good as a rest! I am embracing my change whole heatedly and am happy to report.... So far so good.

But life isn't just about work, unfortunately it is usually a large part of our life, but I have other much more important things in my life.  My husband, my family, my puppy and my friends are way up there with the most important things in my world and I am pleased to report that my family has expanded this week!  Very excitingly, my beautiful little sister has been busily, quietly, with lots of health problems, been growing herself a daughter, and yesterday she finally joined the world to meet us all and I couldn't be more proud of her. 

Rebecca Ellen Martin-Yates joined us yesterday at 10.06 weighing in at a very healthy 9.2lbs born to two amazing parents, Charlotte Martin-Yates and Rob Yates and her big brother, William Martin-Yates. How amazing is my sister for growing her and keeping her 
safe, as indeed she did Willam 6 years ago.  I am secretly even more chuffed that she 
shares the same middle name with my Nan and I, but even if she didn't I'd still be as pleased as punch.  

I am sad that Nanny is not here to meet Rebecca in person, but I know she is busy at Charlotte's looking over her and making sure her and William are safe and that Charlotte is recovering well.  So, this aside, for October I am eternally grateful. Change of job, 7 year wedding anniversary and a brand new niece for a start and its only the beginning of the month!

So here's to new beginnings, changes and new life. I'm finally remembering to accept what I have gracefully and have the grace to change what is making me unhappy and stay positive throughout.  It's not about having the best of everything, but making the best of everything 
you have.  

Thank you all for being the best and helping make the best.

Ps... Nanny, she is beautiful and I'll give her a kiss from you, but no poking her to make her cry, Charlotte needs some sleep!!

TTFN, Sammy xx

The long road...

Evening ladels and jellyspoons,

It's been a while since I talked about starting to lose weight, so here's a catch up! Don't worry I have lots of other things to talk about other than my quest for a slimmer Mrs B, I promise, but I have been busy and poorly :0( so not had a great deal of time on my hands.

So the first few weeks went really well, I went from 'unmentionable' stone 10.5lb to 'unmentionable' stone 3lb in a few weeks, 7.5lbs off, happy days! I was dedicated, fitted in some cheeky exercise and everything, but I was also astonished, I don't have a great deal of belief in myself you see.  Then the car went in to be de-dented and re-sprayed etc and I was car less for two weeks (recognising the excuses forming here) and didn't weigh.  The first week I didn't weigh I was really good, but the second week to be honest, I just used it as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted :0( not a good move Mrs B....

So after the second naughty week, I vowed to be really good for the week and get on it again for the following week. This unfortunately fell by the wayside, a drunken weekend ensued along with eating my own body weight in everything, and then I chickened out of weighing!  This meant that I'd then missed 3 weeks of dieting and was almost ready to fall back on the, 'I need to diet but I don't know how to start or stay focussed' crap excuse that I had used for almost 5 stone now, and that is no good for anyone!

So I manned up, grew a pair and got on the scales and no excuses.  I had put on 5lb, so that's me back up to 'unmentionable' stone 8lb. I can certify that it certainly is easier to gain weight then it is to lose it, although I suspect anyonewho has ever dieted can tell you that! But never fear, I am now back on it, we had a 'healthy' takeaway on weigh in night just to finish off the naughty week (as all us dieters know, weigh in night is naughty night, nothing counts after you have been weighed and your points start again the next day!) and have started again with strong resolve.

Unfortunately I was then laid up in bed most of this week with a nasty chest infection, antibiotics and steroids so no dieting, but not through choice this time, through necessity. I did sneakily get on my scales Saturday, which I know I shouldn't do at home between weigh ins, BUT they delightfully told me I was back down to 'unmentionable' stone 3lb. To be fair I have hardly eaten anything all week being so poorly, but it has actually given me a massive boost. We did a cake filled baby shower for my sister Saturday and I only had one cupcake! (Even if I did have one for breakfast today... oops!) But losing this arse isn't going to happen over night, the road is long and hard and I did count the points - after all I baked the bloody things so know what was in them!
I remember daily and know the reasons inside and out as to why I need to lose weight, I just find focussing so hard when I love food so much, because lets face it, if I didn't, my arse certainly wouldn't be this size ha!  But... I am going to crack this, I have support at work, at home and from all of the lovely people who sent me messages of encouragment on facebook and twitter, I won't let you down and most of all I won't let me down.

I'll keep you posted.... xxx

Oh to be slim!

So, I've welcomed you all to my new hobby.... blogging. So now it's time to introduce you to an old hobby of mine, one I hardly ever get right, so far haven't suceeded at and keep starting over... DIETING!

Those of you that know me know I have been dieting forever. I have always been chubby, fat, overweight, tubby, have puppy fat or whatever you want to call it. I remember vividly my mum saying to me, 'don't keep eating that chocolate you will regret it when you are older, if I could I would go back to your age and look after my figure I would because it is so hard to do it now...' But alas I carried on.

For a long time I was desperate to lose weight and considered myself HUGE this was from 16-18. However if I knew then what I do now I'd say I was ok!

I had a bit of a turbulent time in 2002 when the above pic was taken, one of the worst years of my life, (even if 10 years on history is playing a cruel trick and challenging this fact) lots of changes took place, I did lots of growing up and then in 2003 finally met the man of my dreams (except I didn't know it at the time!) while at uni.

From the ages of 19 - 21 my size really didn't play a big role in my thoughts as it had done in my younger years, I was happy, we ate out a lot in our dating days and I learnt to dress well. Even now I'd love to go back to this size!

The pics above whilst celebrating my 21st, I was young, in love, engaged and just about to finish uni. Barney was a lot heavier then than he is now, amazing how we swapped! We then in 2004 took up the task of giving up smoking, I didn't want to, Barney was desperate to and I was too stubborn not to succeed. So we did it, we gave up, Barney threw himself at the gym, I threw myself in the direction of cake and wine!

And so giving up smoking and taking up eating in a big way before my wedding day resulted in two wedding dresses (yes the first one didn't fit and a second one had to be ordered), several fat pictures as shown above, the latest one directly above in July this year and some asthma problems. I now have to do something about my weight, there is no good blaming the giving up smoking, it has been nearly 7 years now and it is just plain unsightly and unhealthy.

So for the last time, I am dieting, joined the gym and need to shift this arse once and for all. I am sitting typing this, eating my last boost bar and drinking a wednesday cider and am planning with much resolve.

I love my family and my life and would like very much for it to carry on for a long while, to do this I need to be slimmer and healthier and look after myself better. Probably not a good idea for me to take up cooking this week, and if any of you have any tips for me please feel free to share.

For now I'll start counting points and I'll keep you posted xx

Ink is for life not just for Crimbo...

So.... last week two of my cousins took me to a wonderous place called a tattoo convention! Now I have long loved ink, and so have both of them and a new addition to this liking is Mr B. Now Mr B didn't have his first tattoo until he was 40+ and now he has more than me ha!! His range from a whole leg piece, to my name and lips (from kissing pieces of paper for hours) and old fashioned swallows on his chest.

I vividly remember the first time I walked into a tattooists, it was 'Tribal Urge' in Southsea, now I have no idea how we ended up there... But we got there and it was uber cool! I was that desperate to get inked that I phoned my then boyfriend and asked if I had his name in Chinese tattooed on me, would he pay for it? I honestly had no intention of being scarred for life by his name (maybe that was the beginning of the end... who knows) and I was only 14 and life does change! Unfortunately I didn't think of that whilst rushing to get branded by a needle and I am left with a few small reminders of my youth!

My first tattoo was a baby devil sitting on a cloud on my tummy, bottom left.
I remember coming home from Southsea on the bus after my first experience of this new pain determined to talk about it with my parents. I walked into my lounge and who should be sat there but my very scary Grandma Dulci (dad's mum) who had bag fulls of clothes for me to try on and couldn't understand why I kept rushing to the bathroom to change! Now once she had left I thought I would broach the subject by asking mum and dad's permission... Mum said yep, your body and when you're 25 go ahead, my dad went purple and said no never ever ever ever (he is covered in tattoos) and if he had the money he would have all of his removed!  So this started the long line of deceit.

Now the baby devil faded a little, he lost a few lines, which is understandable not knowing how to look after my new artwork, so off I went to a different tattooist to see what could bee done.  He told me it would cost £10 to fill in the lines, I readily agreed and then noticed a design of a rose on his wall for the same money. Well why waste £10 on something that's already done.... let's get another! And so the addiction was born.

My third one (chinese symbol which means happiness) I did tell my mum and nan I was having done and they joked with me about getting one themselves with me, but this never happened.  So the third one freshly in situ, I went home to proudly show it off to mum and nan.  Funnily enough Nanny preferred tattoos to piercings, her favourite saying was always, 'If you were meant to have extra holes in your body you would have been born perforated!' That very day parked up outside mums house, leaning in the boot of mum's car dad saw my tattoo.... Uh oh! Mum of course questioned what he'd seen when he went blue in the face and stormed off, as it couldn't have been my tattoo because that is on the front isn't it??? So I had to come clean. Dad incendentily didn't speak to me for 2 weeks!

A few flowers, some script followed...

My latest tattoo was some flowers on my foot which my Nan drew for me, it is by far my most favourite because it's Nanny's. The tattooist did it exactly like the picture, you can see no difference and that is why I love it so, it looks like Nanny draws it on my foot freshly every day.  This I had done with birthday money, which sent my dad into orbit again as he had contributed and if he had known I would've got nothing, or something of that effect.

So now a tattoo convention under my belt and number 7 is finally here. While Nanny was poorly she was drawing me a butterfly, but sadly we haven't found this drawing yet, so I can only summise she wasn't happy with it. I found a butterfly online that I was desperate to have and found myself a nice young German chap to get it on me! All in all it didn't take long, but I love it, even if I am not used to seeing it all the time yet.

This tattoo has real meaning for me, it was the butterfly I always wanted, the one Nanny never got to draw but approved of and in my mind symbolises me and my family. I am the butterfly, the echo is my family. I wouldn't be the person I am now without them, I wouldn't be whole without them, I wouldn't be a pretty person without them, because lets face it, the black butterfly although complete isn't finished, polished or very special is it and for that I am eternally grateful to my family.

Incidentally Dad hasn't seen it yet.... God only knows what he wll when he sees it! Being on my wrist it isn't an easy place to hide ha!!

Mum did eventually get her first tattoo, my sister and I paid for it and I took her down on her 44th birthday and she now has a very pretty flower on her foot and I'm sure we can talk her into more seeing as she liked the pain! Nanny although she joked she wanted a scorpion on her shoulder never got round to having hers done, so maybe I'll have a scorpion for her....

Although I don't regret any of my tattoos, I am sometimes left wishing I had thought more about them and spend most of my time planning what I can cover the littlies over with, but until then I guess I'll keep covering up the bare skin!

I'll keep you posted xx

Just my luck....

Many of you who know me, know that my luck of late is not fabulous. Ants nests, ceilings, cars, poorly puppy, death etc etc. My life is a little like a soap opera on speed most days and I moan like a b*tch daily about it, but... I still smile.

This year we have had our fair share of bad news, traumas and heart ache as a family and that really goes a long way to proving what is important and what isn't in life.  We have had a very sad time having lost my Nan and my Aunty in May this year after very short battles with cancer, but should we be devastated they are gone, or should we be thankful that they were here?

Last week we had an issue with our kitchen ceiling, the flat above had a leak which has come through to us (only a small leak), no one lives there, no one to fix the leak, no one to help, Eureeka moment to call water board to turn off water, water board turned off wrong water etc etc a bit like a Carry On film. Today I was informed by a neighbour at 6.45am (whilst in the garden with the dog in my pjs with no bra on!!) that he had reversed into the side of my car, later investigation proves it needs a whole new back quarter and is some very expensive damage that has been caused, so he did the job good and proper!  Now although these things aren't necessarily life threatening, they are a complete pain in the bum and inconvenient, but is it really the end of the World?

I can throw a good bitch fit, I can have major sense of humour failure and I can have diva strops to rival the best of them, but after these last few months is it worth it?

The ceiling is just a ceiling, the water is now turned off, although I can't get the ceiling fixed yet until someone moves in and the leak is fixed, it isn't getting any worse. It could have collapsed on someones head, it could've blown all the electrics to the flat or anything, so for that I am grateful, I am also thankful it is a slow leak and I am not living amongst rubble.  As for the car, I know how sick the guy who reversed into it must have felt, how awful that he had to tell me that or to know it is going to cost him a fortune, but again, just a material thing, just a car. I am thankful he hit my car and not a pedestrian, grateful that it is my car that is dented and not my puppy, and hey when it gets fixed they will valet it, so it may be clean for a while!

So now I come to my Nanny and my Aunty Lyn. I am so gratfeul they were here, so thankful they were part of my family, so thankful for everything they did for me, for us, for everyone, so grateful we had as much time as we did, but although the smile is on my face I am still devastated beyond all recognition from losing them.  Maybe one day I can turn even a small part of the loss into a positive? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, I just can't find a positive or a good reason behind it, so until then I will keep smiling and keep looking for a silver lining to every cloud, with every disaster that lurches its way into my week!

I'll keep you posted

Sammy xx

My first time...

Well.... I am not sure where to start really, but today seemed an apt day.  It's been a tough year to say the least, but today almost felt a little bit like closure (I don't think that's the right word I'm looking for but anyway!) we took part in the Race For Life 2012, thats me on the left, next to some very good friends and family, Kat, Kate, Theresa, Megan and Charlotte.  We have raised over £800 for Cancer Research and you can still donate should you wish just follow the link -

www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/wine-oclock-girls

I am hoping writing this will be quite theraputic although I am not sure where it is going to take me yet or in which direction, but do come along on the way with me.

So anyway for the time being, here's a little about me...

I used to be Sam Martin, but got married in 2005 to my very own Barney. Am happily married, we live Horndean, and are busy being poor home owners with a new puppy called Jarvis. I drink too much, I eat too much, I used to smoke too much - now I don't and I'm grumpy too much instead!  I have been quite messed up at times but I am almost a proper grown up now I think, hurtling headlong towards 30 anyway. Love my friends and family and love spending time with them.

I'll keep you posted.

Sammy xx