Anxiety.
First of all this isn’t a ‘sympathy post’. I’ve thought about posting this for a while; but have been put off by what others might think or say, but in fact what has got me feeling the way I have lately is exactly that. Keeping it all in.
I’ve always been a worrier. An over-thinker. To the extreme in most cases. But I just thought that was normal. To worry to the point I made myself sick, insomnia, paranoia and worrying about social aspects of even leaving the house to go to uni or work sometimes. Thoughts turn into worries and worries consume all my thoughts. It’s like a feeling of doom. Like someone’s going to die or I’ve done something terribly wrong and everyone hates me.
Sorry is my favourite word sometimes just to cover myself, because I always think I’ve done something wrong. It’s weird though, because even though all this is going on inside, on the outside I can carry on at work or Uni and talk to my pals. But sometimes it all becomes a bit too much and I end up in a ball of tears for no reason or have a panic attack or have a drink to forget it all (never a good idea) and sometimes make bad judgement calls.
I can’t even tell you where these bad thoughts come from. I’m not depressed. I have a great life. Amazing family and friends. Training for my dream job. A roof over my head. Food in the cupboards. But somehow my head still gives me this idea that something horrible is going to happen, like I’m not deserving of any good things that happen or makes me obsess over the smallest thing. It’s so exhausting and draining.
Over the years I’ve been trying everything to deal with this. Meditation, self help books, herbal remedies and even talking to people. But the last 2 months I just couldn’t see a light to what seemed like never ending bad things happening (bad things weren’t always happening just my brain making me think they were). I was in no way in that kind of dark place, but just couldn’t see the point of anything really. Everything was grey. All a bit Bleugh. It got to the point enough was enough. I spoke with family and realised it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to ask for help.
I’ve heard so many people say just snap out of it or don’t worry about it. But with anxiety you really can’t just stop it. I never wanted to have to rely on pills to sort this anxiety. But, you know what.....Asking my Doctor for help is the best thing I’ve done.
It’s early days, but since starting fluoxetine a couple of weeks ago the racing heart and constant anxious feeling is easing. I’m still having the odd panic attack but nowhere near as bad. I’m able to rationalise my own thoughts a bit better. Everything has a bit of colour again. I’m actually getting a few more hours sleep 🙌🏻 it’s a long road, but the reason for this post is to help people realise you don’t deserve to be unhappy or live in constant worry.
There’s nothing wrong with not being ok and I’ve been surprised to find out how many people suffer with anxiety. There’s so many people and things around to help, use them. Don’t suffer in silence 💛
Lauren Barcroft
