Life is strange

Life is funny isn't it. 

Today I've spent a very sad afternoon at the funeral and celebration of a young woman's life. A very vibrant young woman, who is survived by her 8 year old daughter and husband. Grief is just all encompassing, everywhere you look it's just the saddest time ever.  The loss, the confusion, the guilt, the relief, the disbelief, the sadness and tears. 

I pop into the co-op on my way home and the young lad in there is celebrating his 21st birthday and has had the best weekend ever.

Such sadness and such happiness on the same day. Such a parallel universe between the two. Worlds apart. 

It's hard to remember when you're going through the toughest time, that there ever was happiness. 

Yet there is, right there. Happiness. Even if it's not yours. Someone somewhere is giving birth, getting married, celebrating a birthday, celebrating an achievement, gaining independence, many many reasons.  

And it seems so wrong, so wrong that someone can be so happy, even though you are so sad. That in this case, the world has lost an amazing young woman - who has taught the world a thing or two and leaves a beautiful legacy behind.  How does anyone have the right to be happy?

But it just goes to show doesn't it, life does indeed go on.  Whether we like it or not.  One persons darkest day is another's best day. Everyone's experiences and life journey are so different, day to day, at all times. But it is just that, a journey.  So be kind, whoever you meet and when, as you never know where on their journey they are and it could be incredibly different from yours.

So today, thank you for showing me those two extremes.  I needed reminding there was still happiness in the world.

Good night, god bless D and the happiest of birthdays to you, young sir xx

I must remember this...

Sammy xx

The Rowan's Hospice Moonlit Memories Walk

Well today seems a poignant day to write this blog.  Today is Jason’s birthday, the first birthday he hasn’t seen after passing away last year, he is 42 today.

 

On Saturday night (21/06) a group of us completed the Moonlight Memories walk around Southsea/Old Portsmouth to raise money for The Rowans Hospice.  It is a 6 or a 12 mile walk (we did 6 miles – there was a reason we weren’t just being lazy!) through part of the night starting at 11pm.

 

My friend’s husband Jason, sadly passed away at The Rowan’s Hospice in December last year.  He was diagnosed with a brain tumour in early December 2013 and was moved to The Rowan’s Hospice shortly afterwards; where he spent his last 4 days very peacefully with his family surrounding him before he passed away on 15^th December 2013.

 

The Rowan’s really are an amazing charity, and will do anything they can to help.  There was nothing that Jason, his family or friends wanted for in the time he was there, they accommodated his wife and daughter to stay with him over night and even made up a room for his sister who flew over from Canada to be with her brother.  They also provide bereavement care after death and everything in between.

 

The Rowan’s Hospice is an amazing place and I could waffle on for pages, but if you would like to know more please visit their website – www.therowanshospice.co.uk 

 

The Rowan’s survives almost entirely on donations from the general public to provide their essential services and this costs them a whopping £11,000 a day, so to give something back we took part in the walk to raise some funds for them.  Now we aren’t lazy, we would have liked to have done the 12 miles, but we have a few challenges among us including; rheumatoid arthritis, an enthusiastic young one who should be in bed and my very short legs! So we plumped for 6 miles. 

 

There was 6 of us altogether, my friend Trina, her daughter and my god daughter Shannon, Trina’s mum Jill and Trina’s two sisters Chantelle and Sarah and little old me.  I was very ill Saturday afternoon with some kind of tummy bug/touch of food poisoning and there was quite a while on Saturday when I was as a white as a sheet and didn’t think I was going to be able to make it.  Somehow I managed to take enough anti sickness tablets and immodium to manage a few hours sleep and go out for the walk!

We donned our Jason T-shirts and hats and went for it.  All in all we had a lovely night, we stopped at Portsmouth Cathedral to write down a memory of Jason to stick to their wall and light a candle of remembrance for him.

Sarah and Chantelle shook their hats at every passer by and gained an extra £45 worth of donations on the night, and despite being young and getting very tired, Shannon did amazingly, she took it all in her stride and completed the 6 miles with hardly any complaint.

We completed the walk in around 2 and a half hours, including our toilet stops, Cathedral stop and hassling poor unsuspecting people of Portsmouth stops.  Once finished we de-registered and collected our bacon buttys and cups of tea and waited for our lift home after having raised nearly £1200.

Crossing the finish line

Medals ahoy!

So that is it, another event over with for the year.  It is an amazing event and I would suggest everyone gives it a go, this was their 7^th year of running it.  It is an amazing charity to raise funds for and this year they had just under 1000 entrants, but they are hoping to have raised just over £95,000.

 

We are still collecting donations and if you would like to sponsor us or could spare some money for a donation we would be eternally grateful, even if it is £1 - every little helps! 

 

Here is our just giving website -  https://www.justgiving.com/JasonsWobblyWanderers/you can also sponsor us by sending a text to 70070 typing the code JHWW72 and £(amount you wish to pledge) in the body of the text (I believe they then add it to your phone bill) or I am collecting cash with a sponsor form.

 

Thank you to all our sponsors near and far – you are every bit amazing.  Jason – we did this for you (even though you would wonder why we were wasting valuable drinking time!) you are so dearly missed and your lovely wife and beautiful daughter you have left behind are just so amazingly strong.

 

Rest in peace Jas, much love, Sammy xx

 

*************************************************************************

Change of plans...

Well it happens doesn't it, plans change all the time.  We change them; we don't stick to them (WW for me this week), we sabotage them, people sabotage them for us and then sadly at times, life cruelly dashes them.

This last week or so has served to remind us all that once again, life is too short to be too serious about these plans.  

Yes it's important to have them, yes they help us on our way, yes they keep us in check, but we also need to recognise that sometimes our plans are transformed back into a blank canvas, either by choice or not.

I was told by a very brave, inspiring and courageous friend this week; that her newly heartbreakingly blank canvas that she is suddenly faced with, will be just fine.  Just fine because she knows whatever happens, her blank canvas will be full of love and laughter no matter which direction life took next.  Maybe it's something we should all remember.  

Life is what we make of it, no matter what is thrown at us, no matter how many curveballs we're thrown or create.  

Keep going.  

For some people sadly don't get this chance.

Rest in peace to those we've lost these last few weeks, you will be sadly missed. To those we miss daily but have been gone a while, we've not forgotten.  

"Those we love don’t go away,

They walk beside us every day,

Unseen, unheard, but always near,

Still loved, still missed, and very dear.”

Much love, Sammy xx

December 2013....

2013 has been emotional. 

 

As we are getting closer to Christmas and I am stressing more and more that I'm not ready, I am very aware that the year is coming to a close very soon.  This year was the first entire year without Nan and I'm not sure if this is the reason, but I am struggling with Christmas somewhat this year.  It’s like I cannot get my brain in gear to cope with it, I keep putting things off and off and telling myself I will think about them all nearer to Christmas…. Well Mrs. B it is now only 6 days away! 

 

I've hardly sent any cards, I've hardly wrapped any presents, I've not done anything.  I haven’t even put a tree up (I do have put a few bits of decorations up and around the lounge so I'm not completely bar humbug) I have finished Christmas shopping, so for that I should be grateful, and I've finished my rucksack of course – but that is IT!  But these are the least of my worries and to be honest if my worries are this small, I have nothing to worry about at all.

 

As well as Christmas and all that jazz, December has sadly bought us to a very tragic end of the year.  One of my lovely friends husband’s very tragically lost his very very short battle with cancer and has left behind his beautiful wife and his daughter.  There aren’t enough words to express how terrible this is, how much this has saddened everyone and how very cruel of life it is.  He was known by lots of people and there have been lots of lovely tributes to him on his facebook page and reading what people have taken the time and written about him is just lovely – but just so sad that he has been taken far too soon.

So please remember, especially at this time of year, hold your loved ones close, give them an extra hug and kiss and tell them how much they mean to you, for life is short and so very cruel at times xx

 

Heaven has gained another angel and we have lost a lovely chap, a true gentleman, a fantastic family man and a wonderful friend.  His loss will be felt by many far and wide. Sleep tight Mr H, you can rest peacefully now.  All our thoughts and prayers to your family left behind, especially the two girls you love so much, my heart goes out to them all. Much love xxx

 

 

It's a sad day.

So much bad news this week, but today it really is a sad day. 

They say death comes in three's, I'm bored and fed up of death now altogether and I wish that it didn't come at all.  Grief is shit and it never goes away.

That sums up my day today. Sorry to depress you all.

Thinking of everyone living with their bad news, their unbearable heartache and the turmoil of grief that is going on.  My heart goes out to each and every one of you.  Sending you all much love xx

Here's some poetry I've found about grief from reading another blog recently.  Who knows if it will help anyone, but I certainly understand the sentiments all the same. xx

______________________________________________________________

The ball in the bucket

Grief is like a ball in a bucket. To begin with it fills every space, and there is no room for anything else. But over time the bucket grows. It becomes a room, then a floor, then a whole house. The ball never gets any smaller, but your life grows and you have more space to move around your ball. With time there are days when you may not see the ball at all. Other days you open a door in your life and it trips you up. Some days it corners you. But with time you have more space to move the ball out of the way. Other people believe that the ball grows smaller and smaller and eventually vanishes. That is not the case. It will always be the same size.

_____________________________________________________________

Hold me close and go away
Please visit me and please don’t stay
Talk to me but please don’t speak
I need you NOW – come back next week.

Emotions muddled, needs unknown
To be with others or on my own?
To scream out loud? To rant and shout?
Or hide away and push you out?

I smile at you – “She’s not that bad”
I shout at you – “She’s going mad”
I speak to you – “What do I say?”
I show my tears – “Quick, walk away”

It’s not catching, the grief I feel
I can’t pretend that it’s not real
I carry on as best I know
But this pain inside just won’t go.

So true friends, please, accept the lot
I shout, I cry, I lose the plot
I don’t know what I need today
So hold me close and go away.

Birthday!

So yesterday was my one year blogging anniversary!  Who’dve thunk it eh.  A whole year of rambling on, sharing with all you lovely people the jumbled mess in my brain!  Well thank you all for listening/reading, its been emotional!

My very first post was around the Race for life 2012, and as it is a year on, we have indeed just completed the Race for Life 2013.  There was 4 of us this year, my cousin Theresa, and my other cousins daughters; Megan and Caylie.  We walked the 5k course, it took us just a smidge under an hour, which in 30 degree heat and hardly any shade I think was quite an achievement!  

We managed to raise £205 in total, £175 online - £65 of that was from the Mad Hatters Tea Party fund, and £30 cash that has been handed to me.  I certainly think that is something to be proud of!

Cancer is something that is very real, very close to all of us and something we have all experienced the effects of.  Ideally of course we’d like it eradicated or a cure all together, but the best we can hope for at the moment is that the treatments just keep getting better and better and more of our loved ones will be here to see more of the future. 

Our family has been very affected by cancer sadly, last year we lost two lovely ladies to the horrible cancer.  They were diagnosed within days of each other in March, and died within weeks of each other in May; so it is certainly a cause that is very close to our hearts.  

There are of course good news stories with cancer.  My grandad, although sadly no longer with us, when he first had cancer in 2002; they were able to treat this and we had another wonderful 5 more years with him before he passed.  And we have lots of survivors to be thankful for.

So this research for cancer, the breakthroughs they have made, the treatments they have devised are so important to all of us to help beat this awful disease.  I am sure the money we have raised will make a difference somewhere in the system to help families like ours to keep their loved ones for longer.

Soaking my feet in cold water after the race!!

So on this note, thank you to all who have sponsored us, thank you to all who have helped us to raise money and thank you to all who have helped raise money after my birthday as well.  Well done you all!

Running total so far….

Cancer research £245 (including tea party donations paid into other pages/our fundraising page/tea party donations to our page)

British Heart Foundation £62.50

Womb Cancer research £50.00

Rowans Hospice £50.00

Happy blogging birthday to me!

TTFN, Sammy xx

A long line of firsts....

Well some of you know, but for those who don't, we had a pretty rubbish year last year.  We lost two very close family members to the awful disease, cancer.  My beautiful Nan had survived bowel cancer a few years before, but was diagnosed with Myeloma and secondary bone cancer in March last year and sadly lost her battle on May 22nd 2012.  Nan's sister and my beautiful Aunty Lyn was diagnosed with lung cancer in February and sadly lost her battle on May 6th 2012. 

They were diagnosed together, went a bit doolally on all the morphine together and planned to have a joint funeral together.  They didn't manage the joint funeral, Nan sadly didn't make it to Lyn's funeral and died the following day in the early hours of the morning. 

Lyn's funeral was a lovely service, the sun shone madly following on from Morecombe and Wise's 'Bring me sunshine' on the way out of the crematorium.  Everyone came back to mums to see nan while the children all played in the garden on one of the hotest days of the year.  Nan had lost her marbles completely, but I think she had a good last day.  One of the last things she said to me was that she could 'listen to this all day'.  She meant the people chattering in the kitchen, drinking to toast Lyn, the children running around playing in the garden and people taking it in turns to come and sit with her and talk to her.

Nan's funeral was held on Nanny Pennick's birthday, which was again a beautiful day.  Nan and Lyn skipped out of the crematorium together to 'Bring me sunshine' just like in Lyn's dream.  We held a big party for both of them, with cake, balloons, bubbly a dj and of course our best party frocks.

All of this has been so hard to come to terms with, grief is a horrible thing.  I know it happens to everyone, but it's just rubbish.  I think as a family we have coped very well, but it takes a while to settle into a new way of life.  Time isn't a great healer, but it certainly helps you adapt to a life without them and adapt to a new kind of 'normal'.

They say it takes a year and a day before you can start grieving because there will be 'firsts' all through that year. The 'first' birthday without them, the 'first' Christmas without them, the 'first' anything without them.  We're slowly coming up to the 'first' anniversary of everything that went so awfully wrong last year, we're approaching the dates they were diagnosed and will be approaching the 'first' anniversary of them leaving us too.

I can't see that after the 'first' year has passed it will get easier, most of the time I can't see a day that will ever be easier and this last month I have struggled quite a lot to be honest.  We've had Mum's 50th birthday, we held a surprise party that they both would have loved, we've had Mum's actual birthday, which understandably all my Mum really wanted to do was to spend the day with her Mum and I'm busy planning my 30th birthday which I would love dearly for them to both be at.

It is hard, but we struggle on, we try and support each other and for that I am eternally grateful.  I'm not looking forward to the 'firsts' that are approaching, I guess none of us are.

I am very grateful that I have this great family and network around me and we all help to support each other, even if only by an occasional text.  We may all be going through the same thing and have down days on different days but we're all going through these 'firsts' and I guess we have to make the most of them.  So chin up, best breast forward and lets do what Nanny would do... When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping!

TTFN, Sammy xxxx

Absent Friends...

So I've been radio silent, it has been Christmas so I guess I can use that as a little excuse, but my apologies.  I hope you all had a lovely time celebrating with friends and family, drinking too much and eating too much (all diet bets are off currently!)

Christmas in our family was a lovely few days, a pub and curry night Christmas eve, Christmas day we were all at my mums and my lovely friend Rachel joined us too. It should have seemed very empty with a missing person like a hole in the wall and to be honest I was really dreading it, but it was actually ok.  Although we all missed Nan, I did actually feel like Nan was there, just in the other room, so maybe she did come and visit us and to see what presents we had got, who knows.  I even managed to start reading again.  I haven’t read since just before Nan died, I don’t know if it is because my imagination is zapped or the thought of being on my own in my head is unbearable, but I have just not been able to concentrate enough to read a book.  I have started with a book I have read a millions times and intend to re-read the whole series (Jilly Cooper – The Rutshire Chronicles, starting with Riders, soooooo much better than that 50 shades sh*t!) and it’s actually ok, I am managing.

So… As we are fast approaching new year, I guess we ought to think about what this year has bought us and what we may have in store for 2013.

2012 has been pretty rubbish to be totally honest, I've lost my dog, my Nan and my Aunty; but it has also seen the marriage of my sister and her partner, the birth of my niece and of my cousin’s little boy, so it hasn’t been all bad.  I am also sure there are people out there who worse has happened to.  I am very thankful for all the good things and all the things that haven’t gone wrong, but I still can’t help but look back on the last year as a massive trial; well, it certainly hasn’t been easy anyway. But we have survived, all of us (even after the end of the World on 21/12).

New years eve is booked at mum and dads as it is every year, no party as such; they just operate a ‘we’re not having a party, but you’re more than welcome to pop in - we’ll be drinking’ policy.

So 2013, what have you got for us? I have booked a holiday, a festival, a massive place in fat club and an alcohol free January, but what else?  Anyone got any good plans???  I don’t have any new years resolutions as such, just aims; but one thing for sure is I will be raising a drink to absent friends.  To those we lost in 2012 and before, to those we miss dearly and would love to see again…. We love you and Cheers xx

Too much information (probably!)....

Well the last few weeks haven’t been too bad diet wise but I did put on 2lb last week.  I think I had a bit of an excuse, mum had her gall bladder out, my sister gave birth and I've been a tad on the busy side visiting them both and helping out where I can. But I got back on track, stayed a little focussed, even with our wedding anniversary and lost 3lb!  So I lost the 2lb I put on and an extra one to boot!  So down to ‘unmentionable stone’ 2 now, yippee! I will feel better when I'm under ‘unmentionable stone’ as I've never been this heavy before, so fingers crossed I can do it this week.  This week I have resolved to count everything that passes my lips and it’s now Friday and I've done it so far.  2 days down, 5 to go!

I'm struggling a little this week with life, so I'm hoping by being in control of my diet and my counting that this will give me something to focus on and see my through my blip in coping.  Unfortunately, or maybe in the weight loss world not, I am also really struggling with my IBS :0(

I developed chronic IBS in 2007, although I wasn’t aware that it was that back then and I spent a year undergoing all sorts of unpleasant tests to find out what it was.  My granddad died in December 2007 and on New Years Eve it started with a vengeance and sadly never went away.  I think I have possibly suffered a touch of it all through growing up, for example being nervous or anything like that make me feel very nauseous and will upset my tummy immensely, or hormonal times will also upset my digestion, but nothing like it was when it started in earnest. Apparently trauma can bring it on or make it flare up, and losing my granddad was certainly traumatic for me.  I am, or sadly now was, very close to my grandparents, I lived when them when I first left home and was first married and didn’t go a single day without seeing them for many many years. I guess I am lucky to pin point what triggered off my IBS but unfortunately it wasn’t something that I could just avoid, death is very sadly a part of adult life.

I have managed quite well over the last few years, had all sorts of allergy and food testing done to see what I can avoid to help my fateful tum, kept endless food diaries and taken pills till I've rattled, but for the most of the time I am well under control.  I do take continuous medication and have luckily only suffered a few set backs that have left me unable to leave the house, but I am suffering a bit of a relapse at the moment. Understandably after this year being so horrific, although I am learning to cope with a new form of ‘normal’ I'm not sure my brain has told my tummy yet!

Stress is also another big factor in my suffering, and includes stress over stupid things like having to drive to another office to work, there might not be parking, I might get lost etc etc, leaves me having a massive debate with myself over where is the best place to vomit… In my handbag or in the passenger footwell! Now being sick is my most unfavourite thing in the World, so feeling sick sends me into blind panic and then of course the stress is worse and makes me feel even worse.  I have since discovered being in other peoples cars exacerbates the problem and will leave me petrified and in tears for most of the morning and wondering as to whether to get in someone elses car and risk the vomiting and embarrassing myself, or just try and hold my breath for the whole journey and yell stop! every few miles.  Life sometimes isn’t fun being little old me :0(

Lots of people don’t understand illnesses you can’t see, employers can be a bit like this too and that is a bit frustrating. No, I'm not ill as in coughing and spluttering everywhere, but the pain I deal with and the unpleasant effects IBS entails is not fun at all. Some people suffer as well and understand only too well, others look at me and assume I am really pathetic or just being awkward to be saying, ‘No I’d really like to sit at my desk and do my work rather than being carted off round the countryside and leaving me in such a state that I will vomit in someones footwell!  Or don’t understand when I am so poorly I just need to stay in bed, drink only water and hope for the best.

I try not to moan too much about my IBS and when it is under control I can forget I have it. So lets be positive, lets hope I keep taking the tablets and keep rattling and hope against hope that it will lead to me losing weight if nothing else!

TTFN xx

A few things to be grateful for....

It is very important to stop for a while and take a look at what is around us. We are always ready to moan about things we are not happy with, but do we very often look at what we are grateful for?  I do pride myself on trying to be as positive as I possibly and when I am not being positive it's amazing what t can do to your mental health! And to say I've not been very positive of late is the understatement of the century.

I have been working in the same place for nearly two years, (although I'm now on my third department!) I love the people I work with, it is one of the best teams, always there to help each other, sociable, happy and very vocal and the company certainly isn't too bad to work for, yet I'm finding myself more and more unhappy.  The work isn't particularly hard, but we all tend to feel more and more like we are paid to be shouted at by customers and staff alike, picked up on every single thing we say or do and need to retain more information to carry out our roles than most cardiac surgeons do. We have to think on our feet, placate everyone and are given almost nothing to aide us.  Life is just impossible.  I'm sure it isn't really like this, but just how I have blown it out of all sorts of proportion in my mind.

I guess it started half way through this year when my family was hit with tragedy, death and destruction, I guess it started me thinking again about how short life actually is and how we should try and enjoy as much as possible and not waste time unnecessary.  Becoming increasingly unhappy at work is probably linked more to my grief process that I'm still trawling through rather than anything else, but none the less its been a major part of my life for a few months this unhappiness.  I am sick of the sound of my own voice, I dread to think how my neighbouring desk feels (sorry Loz) and I am sure I am making everyone around me negative too. I have turned into a right moaning Minnie!

I have been lucky enough to have the opportunity to go and work in another department for 6 months and I think this is definitely what I need, after all a change is as good as a rest! I am embracing my change whole heatedly and am happy to report.... So far so good.

But life isn't just about work, unfortunately it is usually a large part of our life, but I have other much more important things in my life.  My husband, my family, my puppy and my friends are way up there with the most important things in my world and I am pleased to report that my family has expanded this week!  Very excitingly, my beautiful little sister has been busily, quietly, with lots of health problems, been growing herself a daughter, and yesterday she finally joined the world to meet us all and I couldn't be more proud of her. 

Rebecca Ellen Martin-Yates joined us yesterday at 10.06 weighing in at a very healthy 9.2lbs born to two amazing parents, Charlotte Martin-Yates and Rob Yates and her big brother, William Martin-Yates. How amazing is my sister for growing her and keeping her 
safe, as indeed she did Willam 6 years ago.  I am secretly even more chuffed that she 
shares the same middle name with my Nan and I, but even if she didn't I'd still be as pleased as punch.  

I am sad that Nanny is not here to meet Rebecca in person, but I know she is busy at Charlotte's looking over her and making sure her and William are safe and that Charlotte is recovering well.  So, this aside, for October I am eternally grateful. Change of job, 7 year wedding anniversary and a brand new niece for a start and its only the beginning of the month!

So here's to new beginnings, changes and new life. I'm finally remembering to accept what I have gracefully and have the grace to change what is making me unhappy and stay positive throughout.  It's not about having the best of everything, but making the best of everything 
you have.  

Thank you all for being the best and helping make the best.

Ps... Nanny, she is beautiful and I'll give her a kiss from you, but no poking her to make her cry, Charlotte needs some sleep!!

TTFN, Sammy xx

Just my luck....

Many of you who know me, know that my luck of late is not fabulous. Ants nests, ceilings, cars, poorly puppy, death etc etc. My life is a little like a soap opera on speed most days and I moan like a b*tch daily about it, but... I still smile.

This year we have had our fair share of bad news, traumas and heart ache as a family and that really goes a long way to proving what is important and what isn't in life.  We have had a very sad time having lost my Nan and my Aunty in May this year after very short battles with cancer, but should we be devastated they are gone, or should we be thankful that they were here?

Last week we had an issue with our kitchen ceiling, the flat above had a leak which has come through to us (only a small leak), no one lives there, no one to fix the leak, no one to help, Eureeka moment to call water board to turn off water, water board turned off wrong water etc etc a bit like a Carry On film. Today I was informed by a neighbour at 6.45am (whilst in the garden with the dog in my pjs with no bra on!!) that he had reversed into the side of my car, later investigation proves it needs a whole new back quarter and is some very expensive damage that has been caused, so he did the job good and proper!  Now although these things aren't necessarily life threatening, they are a complete pain in the bum and inconvenient, but is it really the end of the World?

I can throw a good bitch fit, I can have major sense of humour failure and I can have diva strops to rival the best of them, but after these last few months is it worth it?

The ceiling is just a ceiling, the water is now turned off, although I can't get the ceiling fixed yet until someone moves in and the leak is fixed, it isn't getting any worse. It could have collapsed on someones head, it could've blown all the electrics to the flat or anything, so for that I am grateful, I am also thankful it is a slow leak and I am not living amongst rubble.  As for the car, I know how sick the guy who reversed into it must have felt, how awful that he had to tell me that or to know it is going to cost him a fortune, but again, just a material thing, just a car. I am thankful he hit my car and not a pedestrian, grateful that it is my car that is dented and not my puppy, and hey when it gets fixed they will valet it, so it may be clean for a while!

So now I come to my Nanny and my Aunty Lyn. I am so gratfeul they were here, so thankful they were part of my family, so thankful for everything they did for me, for us, for everyone, so grateful we had as much time as we did, but although the smile is on my face I am still devastated beyond all recognition from losing them.  Maybe one day I can turn even a small part of the loss into a positive? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, I just can't find a positive or a good reason behind it, so until then I will keep smiling and keep looking for a silver lining to every cloud, with every disaster that lurches its way into my week!

I'll keep you posted

Sammy xx

My first time...

Well.... I am not sure where to start really, but today seemed an apt day.  It's been a tough year to say the least, but today almost felt a little bit like closure (I don't think that's the right word I'm looking for but anyway!) we took part in the Race For Life 2012, thats me on the left, next to some very good friends and family, Kat, Kate, Theresa, Megan and Charlotte.  We have raised over £800 for Cancer Research and you can still donate should you wish just follow the link -

www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/wine-oclock-girls

I am hoping writing this will be quite theraputic although I am not sure where it is going to take me yet or in which direction, but do come along on the way with me.

So anyway for the time being, here's a little about me...

I used to be Sam Martin, but got married in 2005 to my very own Barney. Am happily married, we live Horndean, and are busy being poor home owners with a new puppy called Jarvis. I drink too much, I eat too much, I used to smoke too much - now I don't and I'm grumpy too much instead!  I have been quite messed up at times but I am almost a proper grown up now I think, hurtling headlong towards 30 anyway. Love my friends and family and love spending time with them.

I'll keep you posted.

Sammy xx