Busy, busy!

Well I've been a little busy of late, which is of course, an understatement!  I am planning a massive party, a celebration of reaching 30 at long last.  I am having a joint birthday with my friend, Kat.  We have been friends for about 26 years now, so it's definitely a fitting tribute for our 9th anniversary of being 21!  We've had mums 50th in February, a party, a day out and a day at a beauty spa to boot.

Next came a long awaited and well deserved holiday! We went and stayed with Lauren's nan in West Africa and had the best holiday for a long long time.  Luckily the Barcroft holiday curse only saw us have our cases searched by customs on the way back and me managing to get a dose of shingles!  It's the first time I've been away since everyone died last year, and I was wary of leaving my family who I talk to daily, but I managed 12 days with no phone, telly, t'internet and survived!

Back at work now, sadly my secondment in lettings has ended and I am back in customer services :0(  It's not my most favourite job, but still I try to smile and keep the mantra "I am grateful to be employed and lucky to have a job" going whilst searching for a new one! I'm certainly not ungrateful to have a job, but you know when you've done 8 hours a day and truly believe you haven't enjoyed it at all and you're never going to get those hours back? Yep, time to take stock and stop wasting my precious time and life feeling like that!

Now the weight watchers has slipped a little, I've missed a few weeks but still lost when i went back, put on 2.5lb last week (post holiday)and have been struggling to get back onto it. But I sit with fresh determination (after sleeping through the meeting today) and am ready to write a list of goals and rewards. Y'know.... Lose x amount get shoes, type of thing.

My first 7 lb I treated myself to a new shellac nail varnish, I haven't reached my second 7lb just yet, but simply ave no rewards planned.  Barney is helping with encouraging me and said he will buy me a pair of Laboutin's (sexy shoes) for 2 stone, but I'm not sure 2 stone is enough?

So.... Any thoughts, suggestions, tricks to keep me on track? I am pen and pad poised ready!

Ttfn xxxx

A long line of firsts....

Well some of you know, but for those who don't, we had a pretty rubbish year last year.  We lost two very close family members to the awful disease, cancer.  My beautiful Nan had survived bowel cancer a few years before, but was diagnosed with Myeloma and secondary bone cancer in March last year and sadly lost her battle on May 22nd 2012.  Nan's sister and my beautiful Aunty Lyn was diagnosed with lung cancer in February and sadly lost her battle on May 6th 2012. 

They were diagnosed together, went a bit doolally on all the morphine together and planned to have a joint funeral together.  They didn't manage the joint funeral, Nan sadly didn't make it to Lyn's funeral and died the following day in the early hours of the morning. 

Lyn's funeral was a lovely service, the sun shone madly following on from Morecombe and Wise's 'Bring me sunshine' on the way out of the crematorium.  Everyone came back to mums to see nan while the children all played in the garden on one of the hotest days of the year.  Nan had lost her marbles completely, but I think she had a good last day.  One of the last things she said to me was that she could 'listen to this all day'.  She meant the people chattering in the kitchen, drinking to toast Lyn, the children running around playing in the garden and people taking it in turns to come and sit with her and talk to her.

Nan's funeral was held on Nanny Pennick's birthday, which was again a beautiful day.  Nan and Lyn skipped out of the crematorium together to 'Bring me sunshine' just like in Lyn's dream.  We held a big party for both of them, with cake, balloons, bubbly a dj and of course our best party frocks.

All of this has been so hard to come to terms with, grief is a horrible thing.  I know it happens to everyone, but it's just rubbish.  I think as a family we have coped very well, but it takes a while to settle into a new way of life.  Time isn't a great healer, but it certainly helps you adapt to a life without them and adapt to a new kind of 'normal'.

They say it takes a year and a day before you can start grieving because there will be 'firsts' all through that year. The 'first' birthday without them, the 'first' Christmas without them, the 'first' anything without them.  We're slowly coming up to the 'first' anniversary of everything that went so awfully wrong last year, we're approaching the dates they were diagnosed and will be approaching the 'first' anniversary of them leaving us too.

I can't see that after the 'first' year has passed it will get easier, most of the time I can't see a day that will ever be easier and this last month I have struggled quite a lot to be honest.  We've had Mum's 50th birthday, we held a surprise party that they both would have loved, we've had Mum's actual birthday, which understandably all my Mum really wanted to do was to spend the day with her Mum and I'm busy planning my 30th birthday which I would love dearly for them to both be at.

It is hard, but we struggle on, we try and support each other and for that I am eternally grateful.  I'm not looking forward to the 'firsts' that are approaching, I guess none of us are.

I am very grateful that I have this great family and network around me and we all help to support each other, even if only by an occasional text.  We may all be going through the same thing and have down days on different days but we're all going through these 'firsts' and I guess we have to make the most of them.  So chin up, best breast forward and lets do what Nanny would do... When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping!

TTFN, Sammy xxxx

2013.... It is my year!

Well I have been rubbish with the dieting AGAIN!  I guess it has been Christmas and New Year, but before that I wasn't too good either! I am back to 'unmentionable' stone 7.5, I guess the only saving grace is I haven't gone back up to what I was, 'unmentionable' stone 10.5. BUT today, after encouragement from a school friend, Donna, I have gone and joined a Weight Watchers group. I know, I know, a Sunday how fabulous is that. And a Sunday morning to boot!

Barney has come to WW with me, he is now packing more weight than he wants to, so we're back to encouraging each other. And yes I will urgh in his direction when he gets to gold as he has so little to lose, but I will also be very pleased for him, even if he does (which he most certainly will) reach gold before me.

The group is massive (well was today anyway!), the leader seems really lovely, there is lots of online support and I've come home feeling curiously positive for once.  I must admit, I had difficulty in answering the questions the leader posed to me, 'So you've dieted before, why didn't you succeed? And what will make it different this time?'  I think I answered truthfully, if in short.  This time I am determined. 2013 is going to be my year.

Barney and I have both ditched the booze for January.  We drink far too much, wine and cider are my downfall and cost soooo many points! So a month off should gve us both a good boost.

So 2013..... No New Years Resolutions as such, but I am 30 this year, 13 is my lucky number, I have determination and spirit and so so want it.  I'm so fed up with being fat and bubbly, I want to be slimmer and bubbly. 

I am looking forward to making friends with all the lovely ww group I met today, who made me feel welcome and glad I went, the online group are busy doing the same as well - so thank you all.

I'll keep you posted.....

Sammy xx

Absent Friends...

So I've been radio silent, it has been Christmas so I guess I can use that as a little excuse, but my apologies.  I hope you all had a lovely time celebrating with friends and family, drinking too much and eating too much (all diet bets are off currently!)

Christmas in our family was a lovely few days, a pub and curry night Christmas eve, Christmas day we were all at my mums and my lovely friend Rachel joined us too. It should have seemed very empty with a missing person like a hole in the wall and to be honest I was really dreading it, but it was actually ok.  Although we all missed Nan, I did actually feel like Nan was there, just in the other room, so maybe she did come and visit us and to see what presents we had got, who knows.  I even managed to start reading again.  I haven’t read since just before Nan died, I don’t know if it is because my imagination is zapped or the thought of being on my own in my head is unbearable, but I have just not been able to concentrate enough to read a book.  I have started with a book I have read a millions times and intend to re-read the whole series (Jilly Cooper – The Rutshire Chronicles, starting with Riders, soooooo much better than that 50 shades sh*t!) and it’s actually ok, I am managing.

So… As we are fast approaching new year, I guess we ought to think about what this year has bought us and what we may have in store for 2013.

2012 has been pretty rubbish to be totally honest, I've lost my dog, my Nan and my Aunty; but it has also seen the marriage of my sister and her partner, the birth of my niece and of my cousin’s little boy, so it hasn’t been all bad.  I am also sure there are people out there who worse has happened to.  I am very thankful for all the good things and all the things that haven’t gone wrong, but I still can’t help but look back on the last year as a massive trial; well, it certainly hasn’t been easy anyway. But we have survived, all of us (even after the end of the World on 21/12).

New years eve is booked at mum and dads as it is every year, no party as such; they just operate a ‘we’re not having a party, but you’re more than welcome to pop in - we’ll be drinking’ policy.

So 2013, what have you got for us? I have booked a holiday, a festival, a massive place in fat club and an alcohol free January, but what else?  Anyone got any good plans???  I don’t have any new years resolutions as such, just aims; but one thing for sure is I will be raising a drink to absent friends.  To those we lost in 2012 and before, to those we miss dearly and would love to see again…. We love you and Cheers xx

Tradition vs Superstition…

I come from a large family with multiple beliefs and traditions from different cultures and backgrounds and Christmas pudding started all this thinking off!

I am busy preparing to make pudds on stir up Sunday (this Sunday, four weeks before Christmas), soaking the fruit in alcohol this week to (hopefully) get the best taste.  Traditionally everyone in the household or at least every child, gives the mixture a stir and makes a wish while doing so.  It is also common practise to include small silver coins in the pudding mixture. These are then kept by the person whose serving of pudd included them.  The usual choice was traditionally a silver threepence or a sixpence and the coin was believed to bring wealth in the coming year.

I am pretty sure I can get everyone to give it a stir and to make a wish but my dilemma is that I am pretty sure no one ever steams a Christmas pudd to warm it up these days, I know in mums house we portion it up and zap it in the microwave! Am I safe to not put coins in the pudding? Will it be bad luck? Or is it just a tradition that is followed loosely?  Or do I put coins in and risk everyone blowing up their microwaves? It’s such hard work. Any advice would be most appreciated!

So as you can tell, Christmas preparation is finally under way in the Barcroft household and I'm sure Christmas puddings aren’t the only things that are steeped in tradition surely? As a family, we don’t open any Christmas presents until after Christmas dinner, some people think that is ludicrous but its kind of a family tradition and I wouldn’t do it any other way. 
New Year brings with it more complications of a first footing which I'm sure is a tradition that people regard with superstition and end up too worried not to do it! 

In Scottish and Northern English folklore, the first foot is the first person to cross the threshold of the home on new years day. The first footer is traditionally a tall dark haired male that will usually carry a gift, this can include a coin, bread, salt, coal or whiskey – these represent financial prosperity, food, flavour, warmth and good cheer.  In our house we do try and do the first footing, so very soon after midnight we go out side and bash pots and pans and wish all the neighbours and each other happy new year (another old family tradition!) and the first person to go back in has to be male, tall and dark and he takes in a piece of coal and puts it on the fire place, thus ensuing warmth in the home all year round.

I know everyone is bored with Christmas already and saying it is too early, but all I am doing is thinking (and steaming) honestly! And it has made me think about the things we do in our family, compared to things other people do. When we grow up and get married, do we keep our families traditions, do we merge them with our partners or do we create out own?

I'll keep pondering and keep the Christmas talk to a minimum I promise!

TTFN Sammy xx

Too much information (probably!)....

Well the last few weeks haven’t been too bad diet wise but I did put on 2lb last week.  I think I had a bit of an excuse, mum had her gall bladder out, my sister gave birth and I've been a tad on the busy side visiting them both and helping out where I can. But I got back on track, stayed a little focussed, even with our wedding anniversary and lost 3lb!  So I lost the 2lb I put on and an extra one to boot!  So down to ‘unmentionable stone’ 2 now, yippee! I will feel better when I'm under ‘unmentionable stone’ as I've never been this heavy before, so fingers crossed I can do it this week.  This week I have resolved to count everything that passes my lips and it’s now Friday and I've done it so far.  2 days down, 5 to go!

I'm struggling a little this week with life, so I'm hoping by being in control of my diet and my counting that this will give me something to focus on and see my through my blip in coping.  Unfortunately, or maybe in the weight loss world not, I am also really struggling with my IBS :0(

I developed chronic IBS in 2007, although I wasn’t aware that it was that back then and I spent a year undergoing all sorts of unpleasant tests to find out what it was.  My granddad died in December 2007 and on New Years Eve it started with a vengeance and sadly never went away.  I think I have possibly suffered a touch of it all through growing up, for example being nervous or anything like that make me feel very nauseous and will upset my tummy immensely, or hormonal times will also upset my digestion, but nothing like it was when it started in earnest. Apparently trauma can bring it on or make it flare up, and losing my granddad was certainly traumatic for me.  I am, or sadly now was, very close to my grandparents, I lived when them when I first left home and was first married and didn’t go a single day without seeing them for many many years. I guess I am lucky to pin point what triggered off my IBS but unfortunately it wasn’t something that I could just avoid, death is very sadly a part of adult life.

I have managed quite well over the last few years, had all sorts of allergy and food testing done to see what I can avoid to help my fateful tum, kept endless food diaries and taken pills till I've rattled, but for the most of the time I am well under control.  I do take continuous medication and have luckily only suffered a few set backs that have left me unable to leave the house, but I am suffering a bit of a relapse at the moment. Understandably after this year being so horrific, although I am learning to cope with a new form of ‘normal’ I'm not sure my brain has told my tummy yet!

Stress is also another big factor in my suffering, and includes stress over stupid things like having to drive to another office to work, there might not be parking, I might get lost etc etc, leaves me having a massive debate with myself over where is the best place to vomit… In my handbag or in the passenger footwell! Now being sick is my most unfavourite thing in the World, so feeling sick sends me into blind panic and then of course the stress is worse and makes me feel even worse.  I have since discovered being in other peoples cars exacerbates the problem and will leave me petrified and in tears for most of the morning and wondering as to whether to get in someone elses car and risk the vomiting and embarrassing myself, or just try and hold my breath for the whole journey and yell stop! every few miles.  Life sometimes isn’t fun being little old me :0(

Lots of people don’t understand illnesses you can’t see, employers can be a bit like this too and that is a bit frustrating. No, I'm not ill as in coughing and spluttering everywhere, but the pain I deal with and the unpleasant effects IBS entails is not fun at all. Some people suffer as well and understand only too well, others look at me and assume I am really pathetic or just being awkward to be saying, ‘No I’d really like to sit at my desk and do my work rather than being carted off round the countryside and leaving me in such a state that I will vomit in someones footwell!  Or don’t understand when I am so poorly I just need to stay in bed, drink only water and hope for the best.

I try not to moan too much about my IBS and when it is under control I can forget I have it. So lets be positive, lets hope I keep taking the tablets and keep rattling and hope against hope that it will lead to me losing weight if nothing else!

TTFN xx

A few things to be grateful for....

It is very important to stop for a while and take a look at what is around us. We are always ready to moan about things we are not happy with, but do we very often look at what we are grateful for?  I do pride myself on trying to be as positive as I possibly and when I am not being positive it's amazing what t can do to your mental health! And to say I've not been very positive of late is the understatement of the century.

I have been working in the same place for nearly two years, (although I'm now on my third department!) I love the people I work with, it is one of the best teams, always there to help each other, sociable, happy and very vocal and the company certainly isn't too bad to work for, yet I'm finding myself more and more unhappy.  The work isn't particularly hard, but we all tend to feel more and more like we are paid to be shouted at by customers and staff alike, picked up on every single thing we say or do and need to retain more information to carry out our roles than most cardiac surgeons do. We have to think on our feet, placate everyone and are given almost nothing to aide us.  Life is just impossible.  I'm sure it isn't really like this, but just how I have blown it out of all sorts of proportion in my mind.

I guess it started half way through this year when my family was hit with tragedy, death and destruction, I guess it started me thinking again about how short life actually is and how we should try and enjoy as much as possible and not waste time unnecessary.  Becoming increasingly unhappy at work is probably linked more to my grief process that I'm still trawling through rather than anything else, but none the less its been a major part of my life for a few months this unhappiness.  I am sick of the sound of my own voice, I dread to think how my neighbouring desk feels (sorry Loz) and I am sure I am making everyone around me negative too. I have turned into a right moaning Minnie!

I have been lucky enough to have the opportunity to go and work in another department for 6 months and I think this is definitely what I need, after all a change is as good as a rest! I am embracing my change whole heatedly and am happy to report.... So far so good.

But life isn't just about work, unfortunately it is usually a large part of our life, but I have other much more important things in my life.  My husband, my family, my puppy and my friends are way up there with the most important things in my world and I am pleased to report that my family has expanded this week!  Very excitingly, my beautiful little sister has been busily, quietly, with lots of health problems, been growing herself a daughter, and yesterday she finally joined the world to meet us all and I couldn't be more proud of her. 

Rebecca Ellen Martin-Yates joined us yesterday at 10.06 weighing in at a very healthy 9.2lbs born to two amazing parents, Charlotte Martin-Yates and Rob Yates and her big brother, William Martin-Yates. How amazing is my sister for growing her and keeping her 
safe, as indeed she did Willam 6 years ago.  I am secretly even more chuffed that she 
shares the same middle name with my Nan and I, but even if she didn't I'd still be as pleased as punch.  

I am sad that Nanny is not here to meet Rebecca in person, but I know she is busy at Charlotte's looking over her and making sure her and William are safe and that Charlotte is recovering well.  So, this aside, for October I am eternally grateful. Change of job, 7 year wedding anniversary and a brand new niece for a start and its only the beginning of the month!

So here's to new beginnings, changes and new life. I'm finally remembering to accept what I have gracefully and have the grace to change what is making me unhappy and stay positive throughout.  It's not about having the best of everything, but making the best of everything 
you have.  

Thank you all for being the best and helping make the best.

Ps... Nanny, she is beautiful and I'll give her a kiss from you, but no poking her to make her cry, Charlotte needs some sleep!!

TTFN, Sammy xx